John D.

Me and my wife traveled to Peru in mid January for the retreat, not knowing what to expect since this is the first time leaving the country. On arriving to the hotel in Iquitos, Peru we met a couple people that were going to Blue Morpho also. As we met more and more people we started getting very comfortable with this new experience. Upon meeting the staff it was like meeting old friends all over again. They were very friendly and comforting. The whole experience was mind blowing. The staff, shamans and helper were fantastic. Already planning our next trip down.

A great group of people and a first class experience. I was willing to pay a little extra for a safe and wonderful experience. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at Blue Morpho and I loved all of the guests and the people that worked there. I would go again.

Scot F.

Prior to going to Peru, I had done some reading about Ayahuasca. I was intrigued and excited about the prospects. I went to Peru with a significant amount of emotional baggage. I’m a very sensitive and emotional person and feel things very deeply. My experience was truly life changing. I went with the feeling that I have never been ENOUGH. I know now that I am enough and that if a situation does not fit me, it doesn’t necessarily mean it is my fault. The experience was frightening and very hard. I went to some dark places. At times I was terrified. Matt, Malcolm, Don Alberto and the wonderful angels in the room helped me through. Even though it was scary, I have no regrets. I was resistant at times to let go of some of “my stuff” as it had defined me for so long. Who would I be if no longer defined by my depression and sadness. 25 years of my life had been shaped and molded by unhappiness. I went through a day of mourning, I cried a lot. It’s hard to let go of something so familiar, while all the while realizing that the familiar is toxic. But let go I did…. I feel lighter now and realize that I can be happy. I know I deserve to be happy. Ayahuasca and the journey helped me to fully see that. I would recommend this for anyone who is seriously considering it. Do not enter lightly however as this is REAL medicine. Papa Tua knows… Love, light, and blessings, Scot

I felt the blockage in my heart move! … It was gone. I took the deepest breath I had taken in nine months. I could instantly feel my own energy flowing clean and unobstructed. It’s the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me… Even as I’m typing this, tears are welling up again, because I am so so so thankful to have my happiness back. This experience has been the most incredible gift. I am humbled, awestruck, and forever grateful.

Alli G.

Paul B.

After spending the summer at Blue Morpho the camp now has a place in our hearts. It has become a second home to us and we can’t wait to return. When we initially got in touch with Hamilton we were dreaming of an adventure into the jungle in pursuit of an apprenticeship in traditional healing. We were hoping to return home wiser in the world of spirits, with the ability to help some of our friends at home who were suffering from depression. These dreams and so many more were all realized through our stay at Blue Morpho.

Hamilton and Alberto are brilliant teachers and friends. They are both tremendous healers and are honest and patient. Trust is an unbelievably important thing when working with Ayahuasca and I would trust Hamilton and Alberto with my life. The love and support from everybody at the camp provides an environment where spiritual growth can be staggeringly fast.

The camp itself is surrounded by beautiful jungle containing lots of medicinal plants and trees – the perfect place to learn the medicine and develop relationships with the spirits of the doctor trees, Ayahuasca has taught me amazing things about life, love and healing and it truly is a gift to us human beings. I am deeply thankful to Hamilton, Alberto, Rosa, Pedro and family for running such a beautiful place. I would recommend Blue Morpho to anyone with an interest in medicine. We both look forward to continuing our apprenticeship and we hope to see you there!

Kara L.

Before coming to Blue Morpho, I was continuously searching for answers to questions I couldn’t even put into words—a particularly frustrating situation for an aspiring writer. Maybe you can relate, maybe not. But, if you’re reading this, chances are you’re searching for something. The only way to leave Blue Morpho without finding answers, without being a changed person, is if you do not really want those things.

My first trip was in January. After hearing about ayahuasca during a random conversation, I spent the next month glued to my computer. I wanted to know everything about it. The more I researched, the more determined I was to participate in a ceremony as soon as possible. I stumbled upon Blue Morpho’s website and immediately thought it was the right place for me to go. Of course, I had doubts: I had never traveled outside of the United States, much less done it alone; the expenditure was a bit of a stretch for my budget at the time; and the only information I had about ayahuasca and Blue Morpho was from the Internet. Many emails back and forth with Jeremy (who I had the great pleasure of meeting during my second trip) convinced me it was okay to trust my gut instinct and make the reservation.

Hamilton met me at the airport in Iquitos. Needless to say, he wasn’t what I expected. He was better! The depths of his sincerity, patience, shamanic skill and immense wisdom continued to unfold throughout the trip. The staff was fantastic, exceptionally accommodating, caring and good-hearted. Both times I went to Blue Morpho—my second trip was the shamanic diet in May—the food and facilities were great. The other people in my group turned out to be great as well. We bonded in a wonderful way, and I am still in contact with them. Everyone from the first trip has either made or planned additional trips to Blue Morpho. (It goes without saying being in the Amazon is amazing.)

Now, for the meat and potatoes: the ayahuasca ceremonies. This is the part where it gets a little tricky, the part that’s kept me from writing a much-deserved testimonial sooner. As you’ll hopefully discover for yourself, ceremonies are intensely personal and almost impossible to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced them first-hand. I brought tons of baggage from a typically dysfunctional family and my fair share of traumatic experiences to Blue Morpho. In every day life, I had been functioning remarkably well. It could even be argued that I was excelling in some areas (key word: some). I thought ayahuasca would help me find direction and purpose in my career path. What I discovered was the driving force behind those “questions I couldn’t even put into words.” I realized I needed healing. Working with Hamilton and Don Alberto’s expertise, I was given the “blueprint” and “building blocks” for this to occur. The experience and subsequent journey has been more profound than anything I could have dreamed of.

Hamilton told me the effects of ayahuasca continue to develop for six months to a year after the ceremonies. More importantly, I’ve found the benefits are lasting and exponential as time passes. The lessons I learned during my first trip to Blue Morpho are relevant to my life today in surprising, meaningful ways. The awesome intelligence and power of ayahuasca can perform miracles if you allow it to. It is capable of healing/helping/strengthening every aspect of your life, whether you’re seeking physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual answers.

I cannot help but be humbled by and grateful for ayahuasca’s presence in my life. It unlocked then kicked open the door blocking me from experiencing joy, freedom and success. For a close friend who followed my footsteps to Blue Morpho, ayahuasca kicked down the door then disintegrated every wall standing between him and true happiness. It can do this for you too. You get whatever you want out of the experience, whatever you’re ready for. Therefore, it helps immensely to know what your intentions are, and to trust the integrity and ability of the people you’re working with. Rest assured you are safe with Hamilton and Blue Morpho. A trip to Blue Morpho is truly the opportunity of a lifetime where the sky’s the limit!

Toni R.

I participated Feb 2016 for my first Ayahuasca tour at Blue Morpho. What brought me to Blue Morpho was a film called “Metamorphosis- Ayahuasca Documentary” (Youtube). I watched this originally 5 years prior my trip to Peru. I kept coming back to this documentary and finally I made decision to go for it! There was no choice to make between organizers—  it was Blue Morpho. I was very surprised to see so many familiar faces from the film welcoming me in Peru.

Ceremonies were amazing. I could not handle all that by myself and I needed personal support to go through second night. Overwhelming support was there when I needed it most! Healing that happened caught me by surprise. At the end of our tour other participants kept telling me that you really have changed. It took me while to really believe them!

After the first night we participated brewing a batch of Ayahuasca. I really loved to get hands on experience with making the Medicine.

After BM ceremonies I participated few other ceremonies in Europe. Only after those ceremonies I could really appreciate the level of expertise and dedication that BM Shamans and Staff has for their work. Quality of the Medicine and the expertise of keeping the ceremony is really on another level than I have experienced elsewhere.

I’m really looking forward my second tour with BM!

See you soon BM!

Yonatan P.

Team: I rate a 120 score for the team – all of them are a very professional, pure-hearted, and lovely people. I received support far beyond from what I expected, they constantly listened to me and they paid attention to everything I needed. They surprised me over and over again.

Medicine: in my experience, it was a very hard and long process with a lot of crying and screaming, to be honest… I felt that I made my transition in the first night’s ceremony and all the rest was just a bonus for me. In addition to Ayahuasaca, I felt that I cleaned all the major part of my emotional pain, fear and blocks in my life.

Surrounding: just perfect. In my retreat all of the participants were very good, quality people. For me it felt like “heaven.”

Facilities: everything was far beyond my expectations.

Information: from the first correspondence with Blue Morpho until after the retreat ended, I received full guidance, and they helped me with every kind of questions that I asked them. I have nothing but deep love, admiration and gratitude to Blue Morpho.

It’s not just – drink this. This is the real deal, plus a few creature comforts (food!), and most importantly an epic team that will take care of you through your transformation, not only in the jungle, but once you return from the jungle and continue your transformation at home as well. I can’t give this place enough stars. Infinite Stars! This is the best place on Earth!

Kory J.

Josh L.

I have attended 4 different retreats with Blue Morpho, the most recent of which occurred in November of 2016, and I am already signed up for 2 more visits for 2017. Everything has always been top notch on all points. I have zero reservations in recommending Blue Morpho to my friends or family.

The team is great and offers as much or as little hand-holding or discussion that you want. Everyone from the ceremonial staff to the people behind the scenes that make everything run smoothly are very nice and super professional. It is the reason I have been down as many times as I have and the reason why I plan to be down many many more times. Keep in mind it is the jungle but the surroundings and facilities are beautiful. The rules and what is available onsite is very clear, fair, and consistent.

The information offered before the journey, during the week, and then afterwards in terms of integration was not lacking. I’ve found that I get out of the conversations/discussions/talks whatever I put into it and over time have encouraged myself to participate more and more. As I have pushed myself the staff has been present and skillfully aware at helping me navigate my own journey.  I would recommend this organization to anyone without reservation.

Lexy

Anyway I thought I should let you all know that at Blue Morpho I had a healing…for about a year I’ve had this weird discoloration on my stomach, and it always reminded me of a pre cancer mark, so I was juicing and trying to be extra healthy to get rid of it. (Since I don’t do doctors, I have no way of knowing for sure what it was). Anyway, when I’d do a lot of juicing it would get lighter, and when I would kind of binge snk snk snk, it would get darker. I was disappointed that I wasn’t making much head way with it.

When I got back from Iquitos, I had this inner voice tell me to take a look, that it would be gone. I have no idea how this could have happened, or why even that an inner voice told me to do that. So I went to the mirror and was shocked to see not a trace. I was so incredulous that I almost put a mark there just by trying to examine the area where the mark had been. So TA DAH!! I’ve been SAVED!!! LOL Wheeeeeeeeee!

Eric S.

Blue Morpho has created a beautiful, sacred space, safe from the outside world, in the heart of the incredible jungle. I loved my time there, and will always cherish my memories of the place. Everything was planned out nicely and executed with an attention to detail and a loving touch. I learned a great deal at Blue Morpho and am now awakened to the possibilities of the spirit world. I will return someday!

Christine L. G.

A friend introduced me to Ayahuasca and Blue Morpho. I did not know a thing about Aya at that time, but it strongly resonated and felt the right thing and the right timing for me. 3 months after the first talks I was in the jungle (December 2016).

Yes, the experience is a life changer, and believe me, it is not the vocabulary a French person usually uses (yes I am French).

Yes, the staff is amazing, all of them. So much love and dedication, so rare nowadays. 24/24, 7/7 you can talk to them and they will genuinely take the time to go through your questions or doubts or fears or joys.

Yes, you feel extremely safe, free to focus on your journey. You probably have read horror stories on the web, none of this can possibly happen at Blue Morpho. They are there for you, watching your back.

Yes, you feel at home, because you are safe, but also because Blue Morpho shamans are tuned into western world and approach the experience in a way you can handle it.

Yes the food is great! Uttermost importance for a French. It is such a relief after a rough night to get some treats and reward your body and mind.

Yes the medicine stays with you and works with you way after you have left Peru. I am still being woken up at night by flows of energy working in my body. The Integration pack created by Blue Morpho helps me to go on with that work.

Yes, I would gladly come back and without any hesitation I recommend Blue Morpho.

Heather M.

I’ve been to Blue Morpho for six different plant medicine journeys:

– 4 ayahuasca
– 1 San Pedro (huachuma)
– Sanango

I will continue to go back as the medicine calls me. The reason is that you can not find a more experienced staff and retreat program than Blue Morpho.

They take great care in evaluating each guest who applies to attend a journey. And then take great care to empower each guest with information about arriving to Iquitos or Cusco prior to their arrival.

Going to a third world country, and into a city that is surrounded by the jungle and is chaotic with the number of people that live there, can be intimidating. But the Blue Morpho team make sure new guests are prepared for what to expect.

You will see many return guests at Blue Morpho. There is a reason for that. The team, the accommodations, the education about the medicine, the medicine experience in ceremony… They all create a wonderful experience that provides growth in an individual.

I’ve personally brought three people with me over the years that were ready to experience the medicine. I hope to do it again in the future. And I will definitely be back myself. I hope to see you “in the space” too!

I’ve been back from my trip for a while, and still awestruck by the experience. I’m at a loss for words at how to express my gratitude, other than to say Thank You all.

David B.

For me it was very important to feel safe. I had never tried psychedelics before and did 6 months of research before I decided on the pace to go. When I arrived I knew I had found the right place. It was professional, warm and caring. All the people working at Blue Morpho were offering great service and I learned a lot about the medicine through them. The shamans even had humour, I felt safe and it was truly the best experience in my life. I went for a new trip later and there was no doubt that I would chose Blue Morpho again! I trust them with my life!

Leigh S.

When I originally came to Blue Morpho, my body was riddled with a runaway mycoplasma (bacterial) infection. By 2006, my body was going into system failure—my eyesight had seriously degraded, I had multiple brain lesions, necrotic skin tissue, and a persistent fever of 101 degrees F. Just before I came to camp, because of rapid weight loss and a worsening of my condition , I was advised to go off the antibiotics, as my body could no longer tolerate them. Allopathic medicine could help me no longer and my prognosis was grim.

As an example of my remarkable healing (thanks to the Blue Morpho shamans) I’ll use the following as one example: although antibiotics knocked back the raging infection, it had been in my body long enough to cause an inflammatory cascade and a multi-system autoimmune disorder. One cascade involved my vision. I was diagnosed with a rare corneal eye disease and had developed persistent double vision. Gradually, across my 3 visits to the camp, things steadily improved. After a two year steady healing process, I no longer see double. And then, finally, a year ago, I returned to an ophthalmologist for an exam. I no longer have any trace of the eye disease. But, what really floored me was that I no longer even have astigmatism—which I’ve had for 30 years!

After my first visit to camp, I had a sense of wonder for what this medicine was teaching me but I didn’t really have the expectation that it could physically heal these impossible conditions. But in my gratitude and engaged presence with this medicine, all things were and are possible.

I disappeared into the jungle with no expectation whatsoever, no hope, other than everything else had failed me and I would try this, even though i believed that it would likely fail me as well. Working with this medicine takes indomitable courage, but it was worth it. I have trusted the shamans of Blue Morpho with my life and they were there for me, all the way. I am forever grateful.
Leigh S.

Erika C.

Dear Hamilton,
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. My husband returned from Blue Morpho a changed man. Our life has become the Heaven on Earth I first saw as a possibility in your camp in May. Every day is a blessing filled with light, love, and a lasting peace. The girls have a father they can count on and I have a partner that I am proud of. What has happened is a miracle. It is just simply amazing.

James P.

The decision to go to Blue Morpho is a wise one. One of the travelers from the first time we went we did go to another camp in the area, which caused him to rave even more about Blue Morpho. This is the ONLY camp I will go to for the ceremonies. It is a powerful medicine, in a place of love and peace, lead by an amazing Shaman in Hamilton and Don Alberto, in a ceremony house where you can feel the light of God, and where healing takes place!

AND, the food was GREAT!!! If it is your first time, I’d no do the plant diet unless you have done serious consideration.
I have been to Blue Morpho twice, and completed 10 ceremonies! At Blue Morpho, I felt completely entrusted to Hamilton and the gang. During the ceremonies, it is a completely safe and cared for environment. The assistants and the apprentices keep a watchful eye over everyone, and you will get to know your fellow travelers as part of the family.

I have found the ceremonies incredibly useful both while there, and since my return. Most of my ceremonies tended to go all night, and I was at the ideal spot for that. The facility is beautiful, and they have everything I needed during my stay. I tended to get a bit antsy, I traveled to local towns on Thursday and Sunday (the two nights you did not have ceremonies). Nauta is worth the day trip, and to go back into Iquitos was wonderful! I am a pizza junkie, and there is not much cheese in camp (that is a good thing!), so getting out for a cheese pizza was heavenly! But again, the food at the camp is nutritious, tasty, and perfect for the experience you will be going through.

I would highly recommend not eating pork, or consuming alcohol for two weeks prior to going. This will begin the cleansing process and GREATLY ENHANCE your experience. They do not stress that enough to the people first coming. The energy of these foods is detrimental to the process you are embarking on, and you will do deeper work if you begin to purge these things out of your system! This is just my recommendation, but you will be open to deeper work if you follow these simple requests.

Clothes, great question. For ceremony I always wore bathing trunks and a t-shirt. Comfortable, loose fitting, casual. Just easy! Travel light, and stray away from cotton products. Especially jeans (maybe just bring one pair). It is sooooooo humid down there, they will absorb the moisture. Bring a pair of sandals, invaluable!!! Shorts and t-shirts are what you wear the most of. The buildings are constructed to keep the bugs out, so be comfortable. I have a set of shirts that are all man made with insect repellent, great for when you go on a hike.

As far as the changes, I am seeped in transformational work, so the changes I experienced in Blue Morpho are deep, long lasting and very positive. Prepare your mental attitude prior to, and while you are at camp. What do you want to get? What do you want to lose? What ways of being do not work for your life? Shift them through ceremony. Talk to Hamilton about your intention. He is a wise spirit, and a very down to earth dude! It is a powerful mesa to be associated with (he will explain!). This is your opportunity to create real shift in your being, and it is a magical place to do that! My intention is to travel down once per year to grow and develop.

And in Iquitos, get a lot of the handmade crafts. They are cheap, people here love them, and it is good energy to support the locals. Barter for everything! I love a good barter, and so do they. They are the friendliest people who are so very honest! Great folks!

Oh, a good headlamp is essential! Get a model which is moisture resistant. Get a great model. There is no electricity at camp, and it gets dark at night!

Kira S.

Everyone at Blue Morpho Tours was patient, loving, and kind, offering assistance at every opportunity. They provide a very safe, supportive environment for discovering shamanism (this is particularly important when a person’s fears and issues come to the forefront during the ayahuasca cleansing ceremony). I never imagined that my experience with Blue Morpho would yield the following remarkable results: being completely cured of migraines and depression. (In addition, an injured knee ended up completely healed and has not given me trouble since.) Nearly five months after going on the tour, these results continue. I highly recommend Blue Morpho to anyone who is willing and brave enough to seek solutions beyond the five-sensory paradigm of Western medicine.

At Blue Morpho you discover your truth, and you can discover the universe of wisdom and the universe itself. It was incredibly hard for me to leave after a week of receiving and finding divine love. But the most amazing thing is that you get to take it all with you. Because the love and the medicine never leave.

Marilyn A.

When I first went to Peru, I won’t lie, I was freaking out. Always questioning if this was a smart decision and whether or not I will regret it. Forget the Aya, what about the people? The staff? What will happen to me? Food? Lodging?

I have to say they were just unfounded fears. I came to discover first and foremost what an amazing and gentle group of people the staff of Blue Morpho are. That is not to say the people who go to these tours are any lesser. They are interesting, respectful, and from all walks of life.

This place is legit and worth every penny asked for the healing process and experience. You only spend one week, but the bonds forged go so deep you feel connected to everyone there for life.

I can’t speak for other places as I’ve only been to Blue Morpho, but there I was taken great care of, respected, listened to, and given my space when needed. I just wish Peru was closer so I can go more often!

To the Blue Morpho staff, I love you guys and I hope to be with you soon again to share wisdom, thoughts, and laughs.

Alexis F.

The Shamans tell you time and again, that your experience with Ayahuasca will not be what you want, but what you need. It will be nothing like what you expect and quite possibly nothing like what you had hoped. I came in expecting a nightmare. I came out cleansed of my enormous guilt, relieved of my life sentence of regret. Yet, strangely, I cannot explain how it happened. It just did. All of the horrible feelings I had harbored for so many years, every minute of every day, were just gone, disappeared into thin air.

The trolley drove us an hour and a half outside of Iquitos, Peru to the Blue Morpho Shaman Camp. The look on everyone’s face was exactly the same – excitement mixed with scared senseless. A few people chatted to one another, getting to know the person sitting next to them, not realizing how their acquaintance with that person was going to multiply exponentially over the next nine days. The guy standing next to me asked me why I came to Peru and I told him. I won’t even dare say it here, yet I spoke, without hesitation, of my hope to obtain a long sought reprieve by participating in an ancient Ayahuasca ceremony. Or five ceremonies to be precise.

The camp was breathtaking, lush vegetation, butterflies fluttering everywhere; brick laid paths leading to each bungalow displaying its beautifully hand-thatched roof. No locks on any doors and no windows, only mosquito netting protecting us from the elements. Each bungalow would sleep 6 people, one shower, sans hot water, one toilet and one sink, no doors; a curtain our only form of privacy. After settling in, 28 strangers gathered for dinner. Along with supper came the continuing curiosity of every person who had found their way to this tour. Everything I’d heard before coming here was repeated in conversation after next as we sat behind checkered tablecloths, trying desperately to predict what tomorrow was really going to be like. “I heard that Ayahuasca doesn’t just make you puke, you poop too!” “I heard that you sometimes can’t even make it to the bathroom.” “Seriously? You shit your pants?” “That’s what I heard.” “What’s your name again? Oh, hi, nice to meet you.” This was our ‘get acquainted’ dinner conversation. If any of us were apprehensive or nervous or downright petrified before, it is only fair to say our fear grew to a horrifying climax by the time our meal had ended.

Before long the light of day began to vanish into the surrounding jungle. Lanterns were lit, one by one, in each room, in every bungalow. Along with no hot water…no electricity. The nightlife began to crescendo into existence. The sounds that came out of the darkness were unreal. Insects zinging like jumping jacks on the Fourth of July. An over-exaggerated sound like drops of water into a sink full of water, they came from some bird, I think. One sound was likened to that which a Furby would make or a cartoon cat purring — mixed with a zipper. It was my favorite sound; it seemed so lovable and innocent. Turns out the owner of that call was a tarantula. Another favorite was the frogs that sounded like cackling witches. At the time of night when they would begin to laugh, a quiet room full of humans would start to giggle and then eventually laugh hysterically from these contagious little amphibians. They were a welcomed distraction from the fact that we were still pretty nervous about tomorrow evening, our first ceremony.

I fell asleep to the jungle concerto, never once having to remind myself that this was the real deal, not a nature sounds CD. I awoke fairly early, but continued to lie in bed for a few more minutes, staring at the ceiling of my heavy-duty mosquito tent. I instinctively checked my appendages for bumps, bites, fang marks, do tarantulas have fangs? I don’t know. I seemed to have survived my first night in the jungle. I unzipped myself from my canvas house and made my way toward my group, already hard at work pounding some sort of bark with wooden mallets. As they broke apart the outer bark of the vine, its orangey pulp began to show. This was the main ingredient for our medicinal concoction. Ayahuasca – the sacred vine. I grabbed a mallet and got to work. Four large pots (we’re talking witch’s cauldron size) sat off to the side, waiting for the Shaman to begin their ritual of offering blessings with mapacho (tobacco) and carefully layering the ayahuasca and numerous other plants, barks and leaves. A large brick stove was then lit, the pots were set in place and there the Ayahuasca would eventually begin to boil. This would continue throughout most of the day. When the mixture was done, our first ceremony would begin. Many of us took turns sitting on surrounding tree stumps, staring at the bubbling pots. No one spoke much, but when they did, it was pretty much the same thing everyone else was thinking. “Am I really going to drink this stuff?”

The Shaman tended to the mixture, stirring it, watching its consistency. They strained it and then boiled it some more. They maintained hours of this painstaking process. Anywhere we walked in the camp, our line of vision somehow always directed us right to these ominous pots. Every time I looked at them, my stomach wrenched, every time I tried not to look, my stomach said, ‘Nice try’. Late in the day, as I made my way passed the brick stove once more, I noticed the pots were gone.

The early evening quickly began to descend into the canopy of the jungle and the critters once again took their positions in the ever and over-growing amphitheater they call home. The travelers began to take shorter, quicker breaths as the realization of this day became inescapable. The round house was lit with just two lanterns. This room typically displayed a bouquet of hammocks for lounging; tonight they were swung up over the beams from which they hung in order to make way for the mattresses that now graced the entire span of the floor. Each mattress came with a pillow, a blanket, a cup of water, a roll of tissue, and a big, plastic puke bucket.

As I looked around the room, I wondered if I would be the first person in Ayahuasca history to throw up before the ceremony had actually begun. I moved the puke bucket closer to me.

Our master Shaman quietly walked in, scanning the room, acutely aware of every last person’s every last thought. His face appeared sympathetic and humored at the same time, by the palpable anxiety in the air. He’s been here before, many, many times. The smirk he wore was because he knew some of our uneasiness was insuppressibly magnified by our naïveté. His compassion shown because he knew some of our uneasiness was about to be horribly, painfully justified. As everyone shifted positions on their mattress, attempting to get comfortable, the Shaman and their apprentices initiated the ritualistic commencement of the ceremony. The lanterns still lit, we watched as they poured each cup, singing into each one individually, a personal Icaro, for the person to which the cup was intended. I watched as each person near me received his or her prescribed amount, I counted how many there were before me. And then I counted again. Before long, an apprentice was standing in front of me with a white mug, containing about as much liquid as one measuring cup. I closed my eyes and prayed like I’ve never prayed before. I opened my eyes, held my breath and then closed my eyes again. I tried to get it down in one big gulp. I almost succeeded. Ayahuasca’s taste has been described in countless ways. None of them, in my opinion, came close to describing it accurately. I’m not certain there is a way to describe it accurately. I do know, however, that I quiver even now as I write this. While trying to get the taste out of my throat, I thought to myself, ‘It’s no wonder people puke from this stuff.

In about a half an hour’s time the entire room had been served. The Shaman lowered the wicks into the lanterns and the light excused itself from the room in a similar manner. They began to shake their leaf rattles, called Shacapas, a sound that could soothe even the most tortured of souls. Simultaneously, they began to sing. The Icaros would continue for an unspecified amount of time, growing louder at times and sometimes waning into a simple whistle by one or two Shaman. They made their way around the room, dedicating time to any person who appeared to need their attention. It wasn’t long before the first person started to throw up. It wasn’t long after that that pretty much everyone took their turn in front of their bucket. The indescribable taste of the Ayahuasca the second time around can only be described as worse.

My legs, my arms, my head, everything felt very heavy, as though I had melted and had become adhered to my mat. I seemed to have stepped outside of myself, took a look around and then decided to swan dive inside my own mind. Although the Shaman were still sitting at the front of the room, I could hear them singing and whistling so close to me, as though they had abandoned their physical form and were my very own personal headphones, inside my head. At first geometric shapes, like when you press your eyeballs a little too hard, were floating behind my eyelids. Then colorful landscapes, referred to as vistas, began to take shape. Waterfalls and rainbows, flowers, millions of them, would cascade over a constantly moving scene. I could think about anything and everything at once, without feeling confused or overwhelmed. My thoughts were complete and it was impossible to get distracted by uncertainty or insecurity. An unbelievable sense of gratefulness came over me. At one point, it was as though I was able to account for every single person in my life and know that they had crossed paths with mine for a reason. I could understand the issues in my life that just a few hours ago were undeniably problematic. I was in a place free from fear or judgment. A sense of contentment came over me that was truly authentic.

At times throughout the ceremony, I was aware of others in the room, sometimes it was impossible to avoid being aware. Some wailed and cried and moaned to a heartbreaking degree, others purged relentlessly. Others yet would call out to our Shaman for help, and he would go, be it physically or spiritually, to help them through their difficult moments. Linear time and space are typically lost during these sessions, Shaman are believed to be in multiple places at once, because they are needed in multiple places at once. On one occasion, I knew I heard him standing next to me, when I mustered up the energy to open my eyes, his shadowy figure was sitting in his chair, right where he had probably been sitting for quite some time, or perhaps not.

At one point I decided to try to focus on one very specific event in my life. The real reason I came to the Shaman in the first place. Although I was aware of the situation in my mind, I could not feel about it the way I have felt for the last 8 years, not to mention, the way I had intended to feel about it this night. I wanted to cry and scream to get it all out, once and for all. It simply was not possible. The Shamans tell you time and again, that your experience with Ayahuasca will not be what you want, but what you need. It will be nothing like what you expect and quite possibly nothing like what you had hoped. I came in expecting a nightmare. I came out cleansed of my enormous guilt, relieved of my life sentence of regret. Yet, strangely, I cannot explain how it happened. It just did. All of the horrible feelings I had harbored for so many years, every minute of every day, were just gone, disappeared into thin air.

The Shamans also tell you that no two ceremonies will ever be the same. We had four more to go. This was only the beginning.